BLAH!

uhhh okay. So I know this post won't be nearly as good as the previous one, but I need to write something on this damn blog before I explode. I really hate grade 12.... even when you DON'T have school work (which I always do) it's so stresssful. Maybe it's the fact that this year decides what I'm going to do for the rest of my life? Or maybe it's the fact that my grades are nowhere near Shulich level atm. I honestly don't know why I'm slipping so much this year... it should be the year when I'm working the hardest. GAH, whatever. I've honestly never hated school as much as I do now. English is just project after project after proooject, and math is like fucking IMPOSSIBLE to understand. Religion is just the most boring and pointless class of life. I really do give up on life. But yeah, anyways, I wanna explain something. Bby, I know you noticed I was blah today... and I didn't wanna talk about it. I don't know why... I guess it's because I didn't want it to feel like I was dragging this on for no reason. But after talking to my dad about this [I know, shocker, right?] I realized that, whatever, I should just tell you. I'd tell you on the phone but you're with family, and I don't wanna just lay on my bed and stare at my ceiling until you call me so I can talk to you about it. I just wanna write it all out so a) I don't forget anything, and b) I don't have to wait. So, remember yesterday, when I talked to you about what was bothering me? Well talking to you about this stuff usually makes me feel better, but yesterday, for the first time, after talking to you about it I felt even worse. And now I know why. I guess it's because for the longest time, I kept telling you how important the withholding information thing was to me. Withholding information = lying. It may not be the exact same thing, but it has the same purpose: to hide the truth from someone. Anyways, I kept telling you how important that was to me.. and you STILL did it. I would never do something like that, I'd feel too guilty. I honestly wouldn't really expect that from you, since you're so big on honesty. It's your number 1 rule. I know that you did it because you thought I'd worry for no reason, and blah blah blah but I hate this so much more. Like the fact that you have to hide it from me makes it so much worse. Why would you hide something like that from me if you were just hanging out with a friend? Like I know I should be over it since we talked about it, but it's still bothering me because I don't think I told you exactly how I felt. Well you know how I tell you everything? I don't know, like sometimes I even tell you irrlevant stuff just because I feel bad keeping stuff from you. And it kinda hurts to find out that you were doing it purposely. It kinda seems like you have noooo problem just doing stuff "behind my back". Like now I feel like I don't even know if you lie to me without me knowing it. For all I know, that get together at her house was last Friday, after I saw you... when you were supposed to "go to your cousin's house". Is that why you had to go back to shoppers? And you got kinda awkward when that James kid was around? I'm probably wrong, but that was just an example... I really hope you don't lie to me, the way I never lie to you :( [if I do, you know it's about something silly, and I'm just playing around]. I like to think that I'm not some kind of Nazi girlfriend... And I never tell you what to do. Now, to be completely honest.... obviously it doesn't make me happy to hear that you're hanging out with her. Well, I obviously understand that you're friends, and that she only comes to town once in a while... But for example, there was that period of time before she left when you even told me you were seeing her more than me... Like I said, I'd never tell you to not see her, but I just wonder... is there really a need to hang out so much? Like everytime I hang out with Alvin I feel bad about it... I don't know why, I just do... and the only reason I do hang out with him is because I know that if I don't, he'll cut me off. And even when I do see him, I tell you everything about it. And I'm not saying you shouldn't hang out with her (obviously), it just I guess kinda bothers me how, if she were in town more often, you'd probably be seeing a whole lot of her? And I guess she will be in town in the summer... what's going to happen then? Will you be seeing her everyday like you used to before she left? Especially if I'm not here... that'd be even better! And it's not like she's ugly, and she also seems like a nice girl, so I hope you see where I'm coming from. Everyone has insecurities... And I know how much you care about me, but sometimes I wonder if there's things about her that you like better than me? This is probably so stupid, but I guess you have that whole Shoppers bond, and like blah blah blah.... She's your age... and I don't know, you guys probably have more in common than you and I do. And the fact that you purposely try to hide from me the fact that you're seeing her? Like THAT'S what worries me... It's like you go out thinking "I'm gonna go see her, but I'm not going to tell Deb"... it makes me feel like shit. Especially since I feel hooorrrriiibbblleee not telling you stuff... and it seems like it's absolutely no problem for you. And I'm not trying to be all like "you can't see girls"... I remember you telling me you take the subway to school with Italy girl all the time... and believe it or not, it actually made me happy to hear that you guys still keep in touch... Now, THAT'S someone I really don't mind you seeing... And you'd think I'd feel more threatened by her, due to past history and everything. So I really don't know why it gets to me more with the S thing... there's something about her? Now I don't want to be a control freak, who wants to know what you do and where you are all the time, but the way I see it, when you're in a relationship, you kind of owe the other person some things. And if you choose to hang out with her, then obviously I will never tell you what to do [although I will tell you how it makes me feel]... but please don't hide it from me. Even if you know it bothers me, it will HURT me if you purposely hide it from me. I guess you'd call this jealousy? I've never been jealous of like ANYONE before... I guess this is the first time it happens... and it makes me feel very vulnerable. I don't like this... and I've already told you a million times that with you, I've experienced so many things I've never experienced before, and felt things I've never felt before, and broken so many of my own rules. I've never wanted to be a jealous person... and I don't know if it's jealousy exactly... Maybe it's just insecurities. And I know I have no reason to be insecure, and that you always show me that you care. But honestly, little things like this one [not telling me stuff] really go a long way. I hope you don't think I'm being too paranoid/annoying/possessive. I don't think I've ever been this honest... like about ANYTHING before, to ANYONE. I know it may piss you off [it probably shouldn't]... but yeah.. this is how I feel... and this is why I was so blah today. *SIGH* insecure little me... "I guess this is how I am"... I really try not to be... but I cann't help it... I always wonder if there's things about her that are better than me. ughhhh... so yeah, I dddddooonnn'tttt knowww, it could also be because I've never been someone to hang out with lots of guys... I've usually just stuck to my boyfriend or maybe seeing a guy I was interested in... so maybe I don't know what it feels like to ACTUALLY have guy friends you hang out with. AND ALVIN doesn't count... because we both know a) I'm not into Asians... and b) he is definitely not into me in that way [even if he was, he has an ability to control who he likes... and he'd never allow himself to like me]. THIS is getting pointless now. I'm glad I got that all off my chest. Sorry about being blah bby :( I'm really sorry that I always feel so insecure about myself... that must be really frustrating. But you know that it's because you're the most important thing and I'd never want to lose you. I love you. I really do. And it kills me when things don't go well between us. If I'm doing bad in school, thinking of you makes me happy. If my parents are pissing me off, thinking of you makes me happy. If people who call themselves my friends shit talk me, thinking of you makes me happy. But what happens when things with you go wrong? There's nothing else that could cheer me up.
So I love you
& I'm sorry :(
♥